i fought - win or not is another matter

Yup~ Today I gave my last push, made my last stand, proved my point and charge for my innocence. Screw my reputation or my image. The cover maybe dirty and ugly but atleast the content is good and pure. That's all I know and that's enough - only God knows my heart and my intentions. Thank God for that. Ahaks~

sitting silent wearing sunday's best
the sermon echoes through the wall
~jars of clay~

As I predicted, it was another skirmish with him. Showed him that verse in NIV and was kinda surprise at his comment, "NIV is not accurate. KJV is accurate." He went on mentioning other versions that are "worse". What's the point of translating the bible if it's not accurate? I'll leave that to you guys.

war doesn't determine who's right..

So now, what happens next? My sisters encouraged me not to leave. But I don't want to stay on and let them get them burnt by the heat. CP said that they would miss me. Would they? I guess they would. But if the church has already black-listed me like that for something that I've done no wrong, what more my sisters if I stayed? I have enough of guilt of causing others to suffer, I don't need anymore added on.

..only who's left..

Dad and mom supports me on both decisions. So stay on and get beaten up and pushed around as always? I doubt.

..i left~

As I've told someone, I need rest. I really do. I'm tired of many things.

choices.. the choices.. sigh

What should I do? Man, oh man. What should I do..

Should I confront them and fight for the truth? Should I fight for what I believe to be right? Would they listen to me? Would they agree with me? I’m still angry for the things he said, for the things he accused me off. Yea.. I’m still pissed with the words that he chose to stab me, for the lousy and fake excuse of “protecting me”, and most of all, twisting the words from Corinthians. I used to respect him for the service he did but now, I guess I don’t anymore.

But if I do confront him with it again and fight for it, I would make the issue bigger just as he did. Most probably the matter wouldn’t be resolved at all. They would still think of me as that and it would just be another skirmish that would tarnish my family’s name though my parents are supporting me through all this crap. What should I do?

Should I just leave that place for good and go to CCC? That seemed to be the favourable choice. Avoid conflict and leave my reputation there. Surrounded by the comfort of many good friends and loved ones, it seems to be the attractive alternative, the peaceful solution. Start afresh and anew. Leave the old me behind once again and turn over a new leaf.

But if I do leave, they would REALLY think I’m wrong. “He left because he knows we are right”. In their mind, I would remain “wrong” and cowardice. They would think because I’ve sinned, that’s why I left. Bah~! But I’m not worried about that. I’m more worried about leaving my sister and best friend behind. I fear for them because if they would be the next to get shot at, I can’t be there for them. My best-friend has already felt the heat while my sister is still oblivious to it. What should I do?

admiration can lead you away from the truth
~Captain Aizen Sousuke~

first words

One more kiss can be the best thing. All day, staring at the ceiling making friends with shadows on my wall. We were talking together and I said, "What's up with this weather?". Welcome to the planet. Big word, says you want to see the life for once. Long ago just like the hearse you died to get in again. Berat beban ku. On the darkness of highway. As years go by I'd race the clock with you but if you die right now, you know that I would die too. A hundred days has made me older since the last time I saw your pretty face. I'm desperate for changing, starving for truth. The needle on my record player has been wearing thin. Well good morning, good evening or good afternoon. Hey dad look at me. I cannot take this anymore. She has a history of killing herself, I have a habit of dying. Bet your lazy endless crazy days inside my head. I think you know what I'm getting at. How long I'll wait just to say good bye. How can you see into my eyes like open doors? I tear my heart open. Let it all out, get it all out. Do you have the time to listen to me whine? I gotta regret right now. Well if you want an honesty that's all you have to say. Everybody's got their problems. Collapsing was much softer still falling always hurt. So am I still waiting? You said it once before, you don't do those things you use to anymore. Coming out of my cage and I've been doing just fine.

dodging shits

nothing to do with the post - got it from yap

Just when my previous post talked about not giving up and trying, life throws another shit at me - and a really big and smelly one too. It's not so much the impact that strikes at you, but the smell and the dark, chocolate-brown slime that slaps you in the face. That sucks (and smells) real bad mann.. Yea~ I feel very down and sad right now but it would really contradict what I wrote earlier, so I'm gonna try to do my usual "Smile at the losers world" thing and hope that it works.

I don't care what that loser tell me or what those hypocrites stab me with, I may bleed and be wounded BUT I won't die and I won't be shaken. I've read the verses that you literally used against me and I'm deeply troubled at how you twisted its pure content. I love my youth and I love my brothers and sisters. I won't back down. Bleh~ Loser~

No I don't hate you
I don't wanna fight you
Know I'll always love you
But now I just don't like you
Cause you took this too far.. too far
~Relient K~

we try, we fail... but we don't give up

Living as Christians can be the best thing in the world. But there are times when the world can really throw huge chunks of shit at us. Huge as in the really big ones that you don't normally see on an average day. Yea~ By the way, I just had my dinner, it was nice. Ahaks~ I've had shit thrown at me this whole two weeks. Sure, they aren't those big ones but yeah, it still sucks. To make things worse, I'm down with flu right now, so I can't blog nude. *awww~* I should be down and stuff now but strange enough I'm not.

Christians - we stand in the midst of the multitude

Sure we feel tired and stuff. Believe me, I am really tired behind this smiley face of mine, cracking jokes and doing silly antics. Behind the corny and occasionally horny *smiles* side of me, I'm really tired. Bet most of us feel this way too. We feel tired of trying to make things right, trying to make things better. Tired of trying to help, trying to heal, trying to change. Above all, tired of trying to do the right thing (be a man!). Why? Because we keep trying and most of the time, we fail. That's the truth of things - they just won't go the way we want them to.

we try to staple things right

We try to be an example of Christ. We try to score in our exams. We try to be understanding children to our parents. We try to endure persecutions from friends. We try to help people in need. We try to be great leaders. We try to be good friends. We try to strike a balance in our lives.

just like ultraman - but much cooler

We Christians are humans after all. We aren't fill with unlimited energy. We still need food and rest. Above all, we need love. May it be love from God, or our parents or love from our brothers and sisters. Even love from our spouses and partners. We have failed to give love most of the time. We have fallen before and we hit the ground hard. We have broken many hearts and we have hurt many innocent people. All this drains us and makes us tired, we lose our strength.

BUT (i just love but's.. but that just sounds wrong..)

When we lose our strength, that's when we gain the strength of our Lord. In our weakest moments, we become strong through and only through God - just like Ultraman, but not lame and much more cooler. We are Christians, we try, we fail but we don't give up and never will give up.

I'm tired but I will never give up trying to make things right for you. That is my promise after all.

casting crowns
if we are the body

It's crowded in worship today
As she slips in trying to fade into the faces
The girls teasing laughter is carrying farther than they know
Farther than they know

But if we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching?
Why aren't His hands healing?
Why aren't His words teaching?
And if we are the body
Why aren't His feet going?
Why is His love not showing them there is a way?
There is a way

A traveler is far away from home
He sheds his coat and quietly sinks into the back row
The weight of their judgmental glances
Tells him that his chances are better out on the road

But if we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching?
Why aren't His hands healing?
Why aren't His words teaching?
And if we are the body
Why aren't His feet going?
Why is His love not showing them there is a way?
There is a way

Jesus paid much too high a price
For us to pick and choose who should come
And we are the body of Christ

But if we are the body
Why aren't His arms reaching?
Why aren't His hands healing?
Why aren't His words teaching?
And if we are the body
Why aren't His feet going?
Why is His love not showing them there is a way?
Jesus is the way

ps.

happy birthday malaysia