| in my memory

i cant remember when..

As hard as I try remembering, I couldn't remember almost anything of my life before 12 years old. Yea~ I don't know when I realize it but when I did, I was scared. For a teen to have such memory is uncommon and not normal. I couldn't remember any of my friends till they met me and "introduced" themselves. I had to look at pictures to remember my family holiday to Langkawi and Phuket. I had to hear stories from my parents and uncles and aunties to recall incidents when I was younger. No one in my family knew I had this 'problem'. I was already a black sheep in the family and this new knowledge will make my status worse. So yea, I was afraid.

i dont remember how..

But when I informally told my family about it, they brushed it off like an everyday talk and I was happy, for awhile that is. I don't know if I'm right or not because I can't really remember it perfectly, but I really hold on to certain things that I do remember and when people tell me otherwise, I will fight for it - I fight for my memory. The people whom I'm closest with took advantage of this. His awesome memory enabled him to win many arguments just because I can't recall those incidents, but I do know that they exist. His claim, I don't have hard evidence. I guess he's right, a fleeting memory is no proof of anything after all.

i cant remember what..

Yesterday, my beloved grandmother fell down and fractured the neck of her hip bone. The whole family was on our toes. At the graceful age of 84 any injury can be fatal. Being a diabetic and stroke patient, paralyzed on the left side of her body is not a good record to have a fracture, though minor it may be to people of our age. Her options; to lie in bed for a few years and hope that the bone will recover by itself. But she being a diabetic patient, lying in bed is a no no. The second option gives hopes to quick recovery and a chance to walk soon, but the risk of operating is not so forgiving. The risk of giving general anesthesia to a diabetic patient of her age is complications during surgery, coma and the worst-case, death. But my grandmother has decided to risk the operation rather than lie in bed for what seems to be the last few years of her life. We can't say no to her, ergo, we gave our best morale support to her as children and grandchildren.

i cant remember who..

As if having the thought of my grandmom going through such tribulation is bad enough, I had an argument with my brother on the way to the hospital that made it all the worse. We argued common issues but the part when I try to prove a point to him about his past mistakes but just can't remember when and how it really happened, he said I'm using my 'bad memory' as an excuse means that it didn't happen, he didn't do anything at all.

i cant remember why..

I was really pissed at him. Couldn't stand his self-righteous façade but at the same time, I was pissed at myself. I hated my memory. I hated the fact that my memory put me in the losing end, the person who's always wrong and made it clear that everything's my fault, just because I can’t remember the incident well enough to prove my innocence.

but will definitely remember you

It isn't easy not being able to remember. Screw you dammit!! You don't know my pain and probably will never know how it feels not being able to remember your past. You kick me in the face with it and shove me down the dirt. Of all the things that you've done to me, this is the worst that you've done. I hate you for shoving what little of my memory in the drain. I've never forgiven you for this and the things that you did in the past and I guess I never will. I will not forget this.

wish i could run to you now