worthless ramblings

staring into nothing

Felt super emo when I heard this song. Its strange how it can affect your mood - especially when you're in a good one. The song made me think about alot of stuff that's happening in my life or happened in my life. Made me think about my ex-gfs. How I broke their hearts so badly that they cried uncontrolably till I had to leave; screaming in my heart as I rode off. Let me tell you the part of me that I hated.

I met this gal, we chatted, talked, and went to pasar malam together. Was rather cute since we would always meet each other in the pasar malam. Eventually we got together though I felt I was rather childish at that time and that I was in no position, ready for a relationship. Nonetheless I went at it blindly. Eventually, I knew no matter how well we were doing, she was not a Christian and I know what the Bible says about it. Because of that I broke up with her. As tough as it may be, I had to do it. I knew I had to.

After a few weeks, she was admitted to Pantai Hospital because she had some medical problems. I knew about it and gave her a call. Though we broke up, I still had strong feelings for her. So I woke up extra early juz to see her. Actually it was 4.30am, normal is 6am. When I reached, she was already waiting for me. So there I was, in my school uniform, standing in front of the information counter. Asked for directions, took the elevator and went to her room. It was all dark and I couldn't see one thing. Then I heard someone called, "Andrew, is it you?". I walked to her, guided with my handphone's light. She shared the room with another patient so I had to be quiet. She was delighted that I was the 1st person to actually visit her. After talking for a few hours I had to leave for school. After school, I visited her again. This time her sis was there. *gasp* She told me that her sis was serious and scary so I had to put up a show and not let her know that we broke up. Was difficult but the need was there.

After a few months of no contact she called me, and out of the blue she asked me if I was up for eating some pizza. Being a guy, when food's involved I can't turn it down_{atleast I'm honest!!} She had a bunch of her frens there, some I knew some I didn't. After eating, we walked all the way home. Her frens walked a head while we walked side by side. She asked me again, if there was another reason to us breaking up. I knew she wanted us to be together again and I also knew that I couldn't. We talked an talked and she walked away in tears - again. That's the 2nd time I threw my heart out the window. From beginning to the end, it was MY fault.

It was more than 5 months since I broke up. I've totally lost contact with her but all the sudden her classmate who sat next to her called me. I had no idea who she was nor I do I know her connection with my ex. But then she called me and started scolding me, saying things like how could I broke up with her and stuff. Being "bad" that time and having a really short temper I lashed out at her. She asked if I could meet with her at Gula Melaka, a cafe near my ex-school to discuss certain "issues". Being a guy with nothing else better to do, I agreed.

It was right after school and I was in a good mood. So I walked to Gula Melaka. I had no idea how she looked like. The only information I got from her was that she worked there. So I started guessing which one of the workers was her. Before I knew it she stood next to me. With a stern face she said, "You're Andrew right?". Before I could say yes, she started to lecture me again. Scolding and scolding me. Being a guy who can easily control a conversation, I told her my reasoning and after a while she calmed down. She sat infront of me. "Lets start over okay? Hi~ My name's Andrew and you are?". She smirked and almost laugh but she fought hard to keep her straight face.

We talked and talked and talked till it was evening. I found out that my ex had told her to convince me to get back together with her, which made my heart stirred again. A few days later she called me again and asked me if I would meet her to talk about my ex again. Naturally I said ok. He went out and I started to ask more and more about herself. The following day, we did the same thing. And the next day, and the next day. Till one day I found out that I had feelings for her. It was the period of time when I actually back-slidded. So she not being a Christian didn't bother me at all. All I wanted was fun. And so fun I had.

We would walk around everyday and I would stay in her house till it was late in the evening. She was great in almost every sense of it. She doesn't have any bad habits. A good girl with good grades. We were in love and loved each other dearly. Trouble brewed when we were on a date and my ex stumbled upon us. She quickly pulled her hands away hoping that she didn't see it. Me, I did the ONLY thing I could - act dumb. The next day she called telling that she fought with my ex. And once agian I was left guilt riddin. My ex called a gal to convince me to get back together with her but instead the the gal ended up dating me. Funny as it sounds, it was a tough time.

Time passed. I repented and knew what I did was wrong and what I'm doing is still wrong. I got back in touch with God. And once again the condemnation of being unevenly yoke set in. I knew what was right and what I had to do. But this time I was reluctant. I dragged it for weeks and the sword was still in my heart. I love her so much and to leave her was something very difficult for me to do. She loved me more than I loved her. And her hand held mine tighter. But on my SPM trials, the weight was too heavy for me. I went to her house and broke up with her. Tears stream down her face as she screamed in pain. She'll have a migrain whenever she cries. And that made the situation ever more worse. I held her to my chest. "Sorry..." was the only word that I could say. She cried for nearly 30 minutes. She was from a semi-broken home and her family members walked by without even saying anything. She was beautiful. Her tears made my heart broke. I eventually walked away leaving her in the corner of her house crying. I took one last look at her and said good bye.

I sped off, riding as fast as I can, no traffic light could stop me I rode to the place where we had our first date, Dataran Merdeka. Sat on the bridge and memories flooded my mind. Each of them were like knives stabbing my heart. Tears stream down my face. I quickly wipe them off. Holding God close to me as much as can, I moved on. That was the last time I ever see her face to face.

I love her. Or actually I loved her. No.. I still love her. Because love last forever. Juz like how I love my youth, my friends, people like Vera and Sandra. People whom I held close to heart. People who I choose to protect. Then came along SP. She ain't the prettiest nor the smartest. She is stubborn and very arguementative. She's childish and quick to sulk. She was like me - in some sense. We didn't fall in love but in truth, we grew in love. Love at first sight was the dumbest thing we've ever heard of and do not have anything in common except our love for God. We're together for 11 months already and plan to go on as long as God leads. Still, it's still the story of a guy with a cheerful smile but a lonely and empty heart - me.

Boxcar Racer - There Is

This vacation's useless
These white pills aren't kind
I've given a lot of thought on this 13-hour drive
I missed the grinding concrete where we sat past 8 or 9
And slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights
I've given a lot of thought to the nights we use to have
The days have come and gone
Our lives when but so fast
I faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor
Where I laid and told you but you sweared you loved me more

Do you care if i don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will i shake this off pretend its all okay
That there someone out there who feels just like me
There is

Those notes you wrote me
I've kept them all
I'll give a lot of thought of how to write you back this fall
With every single letter in every single word there
Will be a hidden message about a boy that's loves a girl

Do you care if i don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will i shake this off pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there who feels just like me
There is

Do you care if i don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will i shake this off pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there who feels just like me

Do you care if i don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will i shake this off pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there who feels just like me
There is

ps :- sorry for writing such long nonsense