Wednesday, April 27, 2005

when headache strikes

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Sounds like an aspirin ad eh? Well, it was fairly a good day. Woke up in the afternoon, in time to grab some heavy brunch. Along the way somehow made a 'wrong' comment on my father's driving and argued with him over other small nonsensical matters. I know it's wrong and I know I shouldn't feel this way but he sometimes irritate me - alot. It doesn't help at all.

Went to Malacca Club with my family to work out. I lost my mood upon arrival and I played like crap. Mom and bro trashed me. *sigh* Wonder what's wrong with me. What's going through my mind that affects me so badly. I opened up to mom today. Roughly told her how I felt and said that I want to be alone during this holiday. I enjoy peace and quiet alot and I yearn for it too. Like when I went to bro's house in Dahlia, it was soooo quiet and peaceful that I didn't want to come back home.

I had massive headache again. It hit me hard exactly right after dinner. The surge of pain overcame my body as I sat in the car in silent agony. Reached home, went to mom's room and grabbed a tablet of Millidon - it's something like Panadol but has a higher dose of Paracetamol. I lay on my room floor, looking at my surroundings. I like my room, white walls with no posters what so ever, closet, guitar stand, messed up desk, cupboards, and a tall mirror. I like them all. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Exhale.

The cold floor invites me to lie down longer as I took my time to think about what happened this month. Her birthday was 2 days ago and I didn't even wish her. I wanted to but she sent an sms that made me shook. The cute teddy bear that I gave her and my daughter fell into my arms. Their soulless eyes spoke softly to my heart. They danced and danced on the floor as the world around me spins. Like a carousel I held on to the ledge and enjoyed the wind blowing at my face. The blue sky appeared before me and I watched slowly as the flowers that were picked up by the mighty wind danced in the air. I laugh.. and laugh.. and laugh..

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

when everything is planned

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grace did a good job aranging these cards


I've just resigned from my job at Starbucks. Yeap~ So much for the free coffee and cakes. Good bye indeed. I don't care much about how am I gonna fill my bank with the greens since I'm slightly spending over my budget. As far as I'm concerned, I'm now a free man. Well technically I'm not free YET but soon enough I guess. I still have to help them out one last time this Saturday night. They're doing inventory and need some (real) man power to help them. Since I'm leaving for Port Dickson this Thursday and coming back this Saturday evening, I thought I might as well show my face for one last time. Not that they'd care. *sob sob*

I have two months worth of holiday and I plan to use that time wisely - or at least I pray that God'll help me use them wisely. Ahaks~ But for what it's worth, I plan to do my NS-style early to bed, early to rise and work-out every morning. If it's possible larr. Hahaha~ I'm such a lazy arse after all. But I tell you the truth - I'm fat. Yeah I know chicks these days dig fat people, just like the Numa Numa dude. I find that weird.

Alas, I pray that God would open my eyes and break my heart to be sensitive to Him. I've been through a lot this whole month. Lots of hurt and pain but thank God for those who supported me through it all. It hurts to do something with good intentions for the person you love only to be hated in return. But I guess I deserve it all.

lifehouse
you and me

What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You've got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

There's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you
and me and all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive

Monday, April 25, 2005

when you're drifting




Okay, enough with the Initial D hype that's slowly brewing in every anime junkie and car fanatics! Get a life dude (i should say so for myself.. sigh). Of course, I don't deny the fact that - it's a bloody cool show!! *ahem* Only one problem, Jay C is playing the role of the main character, Takumi!! NOOOoooooooooo~!! There goes Takumi's cool face being replaced by some lame-ass lan-si dude who's only ability seems to be standing there and act cool when he has nothing going through his brains. Hahahaha~ So hate me all ye Jay Chau fans. Blek~

After driving different cars I've come to really know.. how much Malaysia roads sux - BIG TIME!! What's with all the pot-holes man-holes, bumpy roads, and uneven grounds? And I wonder why we pay taxes.. JKR's taking all our money and using them to wipe their butts after shitting. Ahaks~ I'm so cruel today. Must be the mood. Can't tell if it's bad or what but still, I'm okay.

Anyways, I've been dragging, drifting, and cutting a lot these past few months. I was even able to scare a lot of my friends who sit in the same car. Most of them like to speed too. Above all, I'm very curious about drifting. It may look simple to mere mortals but when you're using front wheel drive (fwd) vehicles like *ahem* p.r.o.t.o.n mesh together with crappy roads - it's tough. Really. It's a great fun and very dangerous but at the same time it sharpens my skills on the road. Though I feel I'm a lot better on the bike, I prefer driving than riding. But that's just me. Hehe~

two important elements;
know your car and estimation - dad








Friday, April 22, 2005

back from the land of chicks




Without a doubt, Penang is really a land of chicks. I can vouch for that. Think - pretty gals with a good sense of fashion. They're not ah lian, nor lala-mui. They're the better version of the both. Ahaks~ So I'm back, went there dead and got home alive and refreshed. Dead tired but still, I'm alive and as good as new.

Okay, so I went there with the intentions of getting away from the world. The past few weeks has been a killer for me. Actually, it did kill me and I was dead for a few days. That's when I felt I need to run away for awhile and so, IF Camp came along. Alright, so I went with the wrong motivation, but still, I'm glad I went. It was really a late decision. Justin told me that there's no more rooms for guys and that I would have to wait until someone pulls out from the camp. So I was waiting upon the Lord to have His way and true enough, at Sunday afternoon, Justin called and told me someone had pulled out and I can go for the camp. Now that was really an 11th hour notice. He called around 6.30pm I think and we had to meet at 9pm. A work of God indeed.

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dead good


So I head for bro's place and I was just in time for "The Feeding". What a great way to start the camp eh? It was fun, really. It's been sometime since I ever get to see such magnificent display of hunter and prey. Hey, it rhymes! Magnificent display of hunter and prey. It happened so fast that there was no struggle at all! It was soooo cool! *drool*

Okay, so we traveled on a high-class bus (i think) and I sat next to Stephanie Goh. So we were crapping alot about normal stuffs and the other "stuffs". *ahem* And of course, what would traveling be without the all-important junk food right? Almost everyone can be heard munching on something. There's always something about it keeps me amazed. Traveling - food. I sat somewhere near the back of the bus and I notice that the roof of the middle of the bus has a cute-small lil' tv set that's on the right side of the bus. I asked Aaron if he could actually turn it on and push it in the middle. He looked for the buttons and tried to push it but to no avail, it wouldn't budge at all. When everyone got up the bus and the doors closed, we prayed for a safe journey. And all the sudden, the tv came to life and it moved to the middle of the isle and everyone was in awe. So cool. *drool* Okay, I'm a kampung boy~ So sue me. Blek~ Throughout the journey we talked and talked and crap alot until eventually I fell asleep. Luckily, I woke up in time to see the Penang bridge in it's fullest glory. Bright city lights glitter on the surface of the water. I'm a sucker for such stuffs.

We reached the island of Penang. Yea~ It was around 4am or 5am. I can't really recall but it was sure quiet. There was only one mamak stall that's open. We took our bags and settled there and waited for our bus to arrive. Had our very early morning breakfast there. I got ripped-off by the dude that served me one crappy nasi lemak of which I paid RM1.50 for. *sigh* The ulcers in my mouth didn't help at all.

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Our camp site was just beside a lovely beach. Just one thing - we can swim in the ocean because it jellyfish season there. Eating crackers made from jellyfish eased my pain. Haha~ Touched down and everyone was dead tired. We were given our nametags, camp manual and t-shirts. Our theme; IF Camp : The Two Campuses. LOTR rip-off. No kidding. After resting, we started our camp immediately with games and makan and ofcourse, sessions. It was soo hot that some of us went out in search for the craved ABC or ice kacang. Basically it's ice with lots of goodies inside.

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VJ looks good doing anything


The rooms was as expected, super dusty and I got hit with a lousy running nose. Yes, it ran - fast. My room-mate was Joash, Soly, Wayne, Jason Teoh, Samuel, Louis, Justin, Stan, Benjamin, Jin Li, Daniel, Joash Koh, Joseph, Jia Wern, Leo Koo, Chee Yong, Niger, Kae Ee, Chris Chee, and Naresh, the dorm leader. We slept on double-decker beds with little room for our luggage. Nothing to complain though. Toilets and bathroom doors were fixed with a simple yet cool device so that when you close the doors, the lights will automatically come on. *drool* Cool eh?

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jason (roag) teoh - writing songs


The food was ok larr. Curry was sweet dude but it killed me alot. Think - ucler. But still, who can say no to curry right? *drool* I mean, it's curry for crying out loud! I guess it's true what they, pain and pleasure go hand in hand. Hahahahahaaha!! That sounds SO wrong mann!! Aside from that, the camp witht the best food remains in YMCA, Perak. The cook's family is staying in the same place so their whole family is there. He even keeps a few interesting pets. I especially like his star tortoise. My dad would feel really jealous if he sees it. Ahaks~

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nice shell dude


At night we would go out in search for some good food but all we had in the area is just a simple foodcourt down the road. The only nice thing there was the Char Kuey Teow that costs RM3.00 for small and RM4.00 for a big plate. Not bad larr~ Nothing to critise except for the price but hey, it's Penang. Everything is expensive here - even the chicks. Ahaks~

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wanted to post penang laksa but forgot


The sessions was rather ok larr. The first speaker didn't really make much sense though I did understand what she was saying but I dunno where she's heading with it. Catch it? Her materials were taken straight from Purity Under Pressure. Go get the book for more details. The second speaker was better though. I was really blessed in the camp. Hopefully it last for as long is it could. The world is really reaching out to grab me back into it's arms. I know because as soon as I got back, it greeted me harshly. God help me. I'm weak as ever now. *sigh*






Let me know that You're near me
Let me know Your touch
Let me know that You love me
Let that be enough

Sunday, April 17, 2005

pic of the day

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this thing can massage your butt - mom


Yay~! Exams are finally over!! Freedom for two months!! Whoohooo!!! - not. By my guess, I don't think I will have the freedom that I yearn for in this two months. Why? I don't know.. My holiday will be stack with working at Starbucks. Sure, I plan to travel around with my ex-Malacca High School buddies and stuff but what comes after that? If I don't work, I would be bored to death at home. Can't play games because my computer is a little low-end on graphics and processor power. If I keep going out I would spend more than I have. Solution? Work.

Dad's rather angry at me for working because it sometimes cut me off from my studies, my sleep and above all, my health. Sometimes I can't help but stubbornly and quietly agree with him but still, I'm working to put money in my bank. I get RM150 a month and most of the time I overspend that RM150. If I don't work and put money in my bank, in the future when I need cash, I won't have any money in my bank. I wonder if I'm making excuses to work. One thing's for sure, working isn't all about happy-happy-fun-iluvu kinda crap. Working in a few places thought me that a long time ago. So in Starbucks I get push around by the new manager and stuff but so far I'm still able to keep my cool, which is good - I don't want to scare him off. Ahaks~

Alas, it all comes down to one issue that everyone faces (or not) - cash. The money, the bling blings, the greens, the stuffs, or whatever you want to call it. I'm working towards things that I logically know I can't have even if I work throughout this year. So what? Atleast I have cash to back me up when I need it. I hope.

p.s.
my mom did say that up there..

Saturday, April 16, 2005

talk about talk

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words and words and words


I was awaken by my ringing handphone. So it's a norm for me to be alert to the sound of my handphone. Whether it's an alarm or when it's ringing, I'll definitely wake up and attend to it. Well, if it's an alarm, I would immediately jump out of my bed and snooze it before it gets louder or if it's a call, I can talk as if I was awake 2 hours ago - that's my special skill.

Not only that, I can have a long conversation with the other person on the line who somehow knows me, but I dunno who they are. In fact, I get it all the time. So what if I was born with horrible memory. Horrible memory meaning that I can't remember things well - not that I have horrible memories.. you catch my drift. So those kind of people would call and identify me instantly. That's like a WOW to me till now. Most of the time the conversation would go something like this :

Dude : Hi~ Good morning, may I speak to *****
Me : Hi, give me a sec, let me ca--
Dude : Oh Andrew, it's you. Hi! How have you been doing.
Me : Oh hi! Long time no see! I'm great dude! How about you? How're things?

And from there with me being clueless, I would flood him with questions with hopes that he would reveal his identity to me without me having to ask the person his/her name. I have a 90% chance of getting the person's name right without him/her telling me. Cool huh?



We must never shed tears
That is the life's form of defeat
And if we give in to the emotions
Then it only becomes proof
Of our inability to control it

Thursday, April 14, 2005

when holidays aren't working

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stressed out sandra while cp is calm


Juz last week everyone was pulling their pants up (very much up) and reading till their mid-night oil runs out. But before you know it, all those hard work and long nights are over and you go like, "What the-?!". Then life laughs at your face as you come to realize that those 3 months of hard work are *ahem*, "wasted". So much for camping in the library, not eating dinner, screaming at the top of your lungs, smashing your head against the window and other insanity streaks.

Imagine yourself sitting all alone in front of your desk with notes all over. After staring at those fine-printed notes that seemed so hard to read and without realizing, you stuck your face unto the notes. You snapped out of the blurred moment and you say to yourself, "Dang, if I keep this up, I'll have to wear specs!".

Okay, enough of crap.

Holidays are drawing nearer for me (unlike those alphas.. humph!). My last paper is on Saturday but it feels the same to me. I've been wondering a lot about whathehellimgoingtodo during this period of 2 months. Okay, so maybe I can't go for IF Camp since I sign up late, due to reason that I don't need to write down. What am I gonna do?!! SP will resign by the end of this month, which is good for her - I hope. I've already told my managers, starting 17/4/2005, I, Andrew (WontdieonE) Liu Teck Ming will be able to work full time. Should I require any leaves or off days, I must inform as soon as possible. But in my current condition, I don't think it will be needed. *sigh* Alas, after all that I've gone through this week, this quote relates most to me.








Unless I grip the sword
I cannot protect you

While gripping the sword
I cannot embrace you

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

when madness is the only sane response




You know, at times I wonder why I made all those dumb decisions in the past. I find it funny how I had to suffer so much for a choice. I find it funnier that I know the consequences of the choice but I choose to take it. My sin-filled nature tells me that it was a good choice and that I should've done more. But my spirit that's filled with the fruits told me that I shouldn't have done them and that I should not attempt to do anymore of it in the future. It drives me crazy how I still do it though. Seriously. I mean like why are we humans so drawn to things that destroy us? If not physically then mentally and spiritually. When I think of it, it can go on and on and on and on in my mind, so much so I can feel temptations rising. I had to shut it off, pray to God then only my mind is clear again. But still, those moments really drive me nuts. The condemnation added with the devil's words though God had say that there's none to be felt. I can seriously go nutz thinking about my past sins. Though I know they're over and that I should juz let them be a reminder, they have a way of getting to me. I wonder why I'm even writing this post. It's not relevant nor does it make any sense. Maybe I'm thinking too much again.









I feel all alone...

Monday, April 11, 2005

empty

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empty worlds


There's a song that keeps playing in my mind for the pass few days. It's Greenday's Boulevard of Broken Dreams. Somehow the song kept playing with the feelings of my heart and it makes me so egoistic and emo at the same time. But when the self-pity sinks in - I feel pathetic. Maybe I am, I dunno. I hate when self-pity gets to me. It makes me weak and it gives me doubt. As if I don't already have a lot on my mind huh? Sickens me.

But the truth is I feel empty. I truly do. I smile because I've been smiling in front of people all the time. I leave my sadness at home and it comes when I'm alone. I'm empty.

I decided to put in my jars of clay CD to listen in my room while I'm studying for my Math Technique 2 paper, that starts at 9am - today. Then came along a song that snapped me out of the emo mood of mine and made me remember who I really am all along. The soft sound of a plucking guitar and soothing melody. I prayed to God and ask Him to take this song as my prayer. He did.

jars of clay
worlds apart

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide

With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
To give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of One who loves
More deeply than the ocean more abundant than the tears
Of a world that's embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice?
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

Take my world apart
I am on my knees
Take my world apart
Broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did You really have to die for me?
For all I am for all You are
What I need and what I believe are worlds apart
So I pray

Take my world apart
I am on my knees
Take my world apart
Broken on my knees
On my knees

I look beyond the empty cross forgetting what my life has cost
So wipe away the crimson stains and dull the nails that still remains
More and more I need You now I owe You more each passing hour
Battle between grace and pride I gave up not so long ago

So steal my heart and take the pain wash my feet and cleanse my pride
Take the selfish take the weak and all the things I cannot hide
Take my beauty take my tears
Sin and soaked heart make it Yours
Take my world all apart
Take it now and take it now
And serve the ones that I despise speak the words I can't deny
Watch the world I use to know fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross forgetting what my life has cost
So wipe away the crimson stains and dull the nails that still remains
Take my beauty take my tears
Sin and soaked heart make it Yours and all the things I cannot hide
Take my beauty take my tears
Take my world apart
Take my world apart
And I pray and I pray
Take my world apart
Yes world apart

Saturday, April 09, 2005

when the strings strang?

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sliders and capos


With everything that's going on this whole week, my life's been messed up. I hardly have the appetite to eat nor do I have much to say to anyone - even to my parents. My room is a jungle and above all that - my guitars are dusty! *gasp* I couldn't believe it until I saw it close up. My guitar, my precious guitars are left abandon by a useless master like me. As a guitarist, I'm ashamed. My actions hold no excuse. If I'm trialed, I'd be executed there at the spot.

In the old days, I would polish my guitar every night ensuring that it stays, well, polished. Ahaks~ Strings would be coated to give it longer life span and to make it sound brighter. Head-stock's pearl logo would shine it's pride in my room. Ah yes, those were the days. And to think I'm still looking at my dream guitar - Taylor JSM which is short for Taylor Jars of Clay Signature Model.

*droooool*

Thursday, April 07, 2005

get ready for a rough ride

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library baby


Put down your books and notes babe'~ It's time for the finals!! Whoohooo!! *sigh*

the lights, the fans, the air-conds

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two switches and a remote control


When all you need in a room, well, my room is three things. A light switch, a fan switch and a remote control for the air-conditioning. Strange enough though that the switch for the air-cond is exactly opposite of the remote. It means if you want to turn on the air-cond, you have to walk 1 end of the room, flick the switch, walk to the other end and turn the dang thing on. Funny how I was actually very hardworking at first walking back and forth, but after a month I finally gave up - "Juz leave the switch on will ya?!" Yea, that's what my mirror shouted at me. Guess he finally had enough seeing me walking up and down all the time. Wahahaahaha~

The clock now is 2.10am and since it's already a new day, it means my first 2 papers will start tomorrow. Operating Systems and Internet & Web Publishing - can't get enough of them eh? My IWP lecturer who has been lecturing me for the past 3 sems (i noe.. she's faithful to the class), told me that I've been slacking and that got me worried. So what am I doing about it? Writing my blog? Nutz!

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

looking at the past

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the past is like a chasing storm
if you don't take shelter you'll be soaked in it


I juz got scolding from dad. Tomorrow I'm working night shift and the day after tomorrow I have 2 papers, one morning and one afternoon. I guess I'm in the fault this time. It never really crossed my mind though, that my exam is on Friday. I guess it can't be helped.

I planned to study near the exam hall around 9pm, since I asked my friend to teach me some stuff about OS. He thought me for almost an hour when I received an sms from one of the Starbucks crew;

"Andrew,sue ping just came n give u some thing. Do u wan 2get it?"

"I'm on my way~"
I replied. After he thought me all there was I needed to know I shoot straight to Starbucks. I knew what the "thing" was. In fact, I already imagined it in my mind and true enough it was those "things". I was handed a paper bag. Inside was a smaller paper bag sealed with cellophane tape and a wrapped up box. I opened the bag and there it was, things that I gave her; the ring, gifts everything - even the WWJD wristband I gave her. I can't blame her for doing that as it was the most logical thing to do if you want to forget the past. I wonder why I still keep her pictures though. Hmmm~ Maybe I needed the memory to keep my heart stirred. I don't know. But one thing that I DO know is that life must go on.

Everyone has surely in some way or another screwed up their past, by doing something or not doing anything at all, the regret is there. Even if there isn't any regret, the memory is there. I guess it serves as a reminder of all the dumb things we did.

"tattoos and memories and dead skin on trial
for what it's worth, it was worth all the while" - greenday


I'm sorry for all the emo post for this whole month, and thanks for enduring it. I'm ashamed of myself for posting all this crap that means nothing to you guys. Hahahahaha~ Good luck in your exams and your future undertakings ya?
*sigh*

Monday, April 04, 2005

flood

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pour over me


Well, it didn't exactly flood over here but hey, let's just stick with it. Today, instead of going to Gateway for my usual Sunday Service, I went to City Charismatic Church aka CCC. Okay~ So maybe I went there because bro was worship leading after a long absence of him in the ministry. And also because Sandra asked me to. Imagine Sandra pulling your arm going, "Come larr come larr come larr!!" Even my bro would breakdown. Anyway, I had a good time there. The praise and worship was nice (though the guitarist was playing rather odd). Aside from that, everything was cool~ After church Sandra and I had a nice talk with Grace and then later we had some Wilson Chicken Rice for lunch. Bro paid, so the food was delicious. Wahahahahaa~

Throughout the whole time I was full of energy, that's until I reach home. After stepping through the house gate, it was like all the energy I had left me. I slumped over the chair and went, "What the-?" I was numb and blurr. If some really cute-sexy rapist would break into my house I would be dead meat - I hope. Ahaks~ Checked my sms'es. SP sent a weird message to me. Replied and await. I kept waiting for her reply but it didn't seem to come. Even more my spirit was weakened again. She has that effect on me. *sigh* I knew she was working and I was itching to go to Starbucks® to talk to her. And to drink more coffee ofcourse~ Haha... *sigh*

Just when I was about to move my lazy butt, it seemed the clouds up there decided to piss all it had on me. The down pour was nutz! Imagine having a nice weather and then *whoosh!*, heavy rain right in front of your doorstep. So I spent the whole day semi-studying. I installed Halo: Combat Evolved, played it a little and found out it was too easy for me - I deleted it. Then I played NFS: Underground 2 and customized a car with back-wheel-drive so that I could test my drift - I got bored and turned the game off. I took 5 minutes knocking my head on my room wall to hear if there was any echo. Bathed 2 times in a row. Played my guitar and did whatever I could.

I checked my phone for sms - nothing.

jars of clay
flood

Rain rain on my face
Hasn't stop raining for days
My world is flood
Slowly I become one with the mud

But if I can't swim after 40 days
And my mind is crushed by the crashing waves
Lift me up so high that I cannot fall
Lift me ohh

Lift me up
When I'm falling
Lift me up
When I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up
I need you to hold me
Lift me up
Keep me from drowning again

Down pour on my soul
Splashing in the ocean I'm losing control
Dark skies all around
I can't feel my feet touching the ground

But if I can't swim after 40 days
And my mind is crushed by the crashing waves
Lift me up so high that I cannot fall
Lift me ohh

Lift me up
When I'm falling
Lift me up
When I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up
I need you to hold me
Lift me up
Keep me from drowning again

Calm the storms that drench my eyes
And dry the streams still flowing
Casting down all waves and sin
And guilt that overthrow me

If I can't swim after 40 days
And my mind is crushed by the crashing waves
Lift me up so high that I cannot fall
Lift me ohh

Lift me up
When I'm falling
Lift me up
When I'm weak and I'm dying
Lift me up
I need you to hold me
Lift me up
Keep me from drowning again

Sunday, April 03, 2005

kak-ngin mo kong hakka mou yung

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good weather, great time


Which translates to, "hakka people who don't speak hakka, is useless!" Those words are engraved into me as they're spoken from grandfather's mouth. He scolded me for my lack of hakka knowledge. Those are just one of those things I'll never forget.

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Today, I went to visit my grandfather as it's one of those time in the year. Normal Chinese people would go on Sunday morning but we had church, so my family went on Saturdays instead. We would clean the area around the grave and also the grave itself. Dad would reminisce and talk about how grandfather was like back in his younger days. Bro and I would sit and listen, occasionally ponder upon those words. I had fun cleaning the grave. Though I wished I had learnt hakka when I was younger so that it was easier for me to converse with my grandfather but I guess that's called wishful thinking. Though I'm 19 this year, I'm trying to pick up as much as I can. Hakka is a beautiful language after all.

I was doing closing for Starbucks last night. It was normal like every Saturday, except that this time there's a little more drama. The time was nearing 10pm and it was like every other busy/boring 10pm shift. So to spice things up a little, there was a sudden black-out. I immediately went to the back to help my manager who seems to be slightly clueless about wireworks. Naturally, I started searching for the switch that caused the whole thing to trip. After flicking a few switches on and off, I finally found the switch that's causing the problem. It was hell of a difficult to narrow it down. Why? Because the whole damn thing wasn't labeled! I told my manager about the importance of labeling the switches in your fuse box and irritated her along the way. I felt good about that. Ahaks~ So after we closed the store, I helped them to label each of the main switch so that they can easily identify the problem the next time. A shout-out to dad who thought me those living skills; you rock dude!

Now for another emo moment in this post.

I've got back together with SP already. My heart was intend on breaking up but she somehow manage to persuade me. So now we're together again but I wonder if I made the right choice. I'm so afraid I'll regret it later. Truth be told, I'm already regretting it. *sigh* I'm hopeless in every single way. My mind is confused as I keep thinking about the same things over and over again. God, I hope He'll show me the way cause I really need His guidance over this matter. I wonder how she would react if she read this. I dunno what more to think. DAMN THIS PISSES ME OFF!!

Saturday, April 02, 2005

when comfort calls

Walking aimlessly in my room. An idle mind is a devil's workshop. I kept thinking about what I've done; did I made the right choice. Have I make a choice? I dare not think. Thinking would only cause doubt.. but doubt is inevitable I guess. You can't run away from these kinds of things. The faster you run, the more tired you get. And when you crumble to the floor, it stands over you. Sat on my chair and picked up my phone, looking at every picture I have inside of it. Each picture of her was like a razor blade on my heart. I wonder why I still keep those picture. "We're over aren't we?" I thought to myself. She smiled at me..

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I'm not angry - I never could get angry. But I'm sad and disappointed. Above all, I'm hurt. No point arguing who's right and wrong, but rather how did this happen. I guess that's also another pointless question. I should be in pain but I'm already numb to the back ache and migraine. I smile. I've always been smiling haven't I? Through pain and rain I smiled.

*clak clak*

The sound of wood hitting something solid caught my ears. I turned around to see what it was. There it was, being affected by the wind of my room fan. It was there for as long as I could remember. Since I was a kid it has always been there but I never took it seriously. The words written on it gave comfort. They gave hope and I remembered.

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Where there is faith,
There is love
Where there is love
There is peace
Where there is peace
There is God
Where there is God
There is no need amen

table rant

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spiral table


who are you today a perplexing question I knew when I awoke then after that first cup i change don't we all but that's not the issue give me a moment to think another cup, but what a sunny Costa Ricca a moody Ethiopian Harrer a coffee drink cappucinno Frappucino latte what too many choices slow down relax a moment to think they ask again: how are you today What's that how, not who I answer quickly fine thank you and how are you they looked confused as I await an answer

Friday, April 01, 2005

too many scars too few

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I'm in pain - pain that's immeasurable. I wonder why I try. Try so hard to make things right. Try so hard to help that I sacrifice myself. Try so hard that I hurt myself. Am I wrong? Was she right? What did I do? Why is my body broken? Why is my heart cut opened? Nothing I do can seem to take the pain away. I haven't eaten anything. I can't seem to swallow the food in front of me. What's this feeling? How can it elevate from anger to pain? Why pain? I deserved it. I deserved everything.

The pain in my back is my lesson. The pounding in my head is my reminder. I persist. I didn't give up. The pain hurts more. Each strike sends a shockwave through my body till I fall on my knees, beating the temples on my forehead. In the corner of my room, on the cold floor I'm crippled - owing every mistake to myself. Battered and consumed by my own hatred. Tear drops fall down. I wiped them off quickly.

I'm strong dammit! I'm heartless am I not?! I've hurt countless of people! The blood on my hands is my excuse!

And I regret it dearly. I'm on the edge. Hanging on to only a small piece of rock that I seem to have forgotten about. Truly I'm lost and confused. I can't take this abuse. I'm blind in a world full of light. And for all that I did, I deserve this night. I deserve it all. I'm angry and hurt. I've caused anger and hurt.
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