tension!! tension!!

Running around the field eating a banana.
Doing push-ups with a durian on my head.

These are from a book called Disorder in the
Courts of America, and are things people actually
said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment
of staying calm while these exchanges were
actually taking place.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a
person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about
it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby)
was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have
you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined
the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the
autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk
in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been
alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have
been alive and practicing law.