im not a sadist - im.. special... : episode 2

a moment of silence for barney: the gay-purple dino

Okay, it's been quite some time since I caught a lizard, torture it and kill it. Since my dad's Snapping Turtle came into the family portrait, I would spare the poor, defenseless lizard and give the pitiful bugger a snapping-quick death. See, I DO have GOOD in me after all. Ahaks~ The last time I caught and tortured a lizard was.. well, long enough. Lucky me Unlucky it, by chance I caught an innocent (yeah right) lizard lurking in the kitchen area. From it's missing and slowly growing-back-tail, I suspected it to be one of the (very, very) few survivors of my hunting attempts.

im bigger than you! im higher in the food-chain! GET IN MY BELLY!
~fat bastard~ (yea, that's his name)

So about this lizard that I caught, I gave it a name - Barney actually. *smiles* I stumbled upon Barney by pure luck and chance, on my side at least - I dunno if he calls this "luck". Watching Astro can really make a guy thirsty. After all, they were showing The Art Of Seduction on National Discovery. See kids, National Discovery IS educational after all. Ahaks~ Walking to the kitchen to take a drink, I saw Barney on the wall behind the mineral water pot-thingy. In my mind, I knew I had a really low chance of catching it but as luck would have it, it dropped right into my hands - literally. Sweet huh? Save me much unwanted trouble.

Took some tissue paper as base for Barney's.. um.. coffin or whatever. Mom helped to fold the tissue paper too - love ya mums~! Taped Barney on his soon-to-be death bed. Made sure he had a first-class treatment, comfy in every sadistically satisfying single way. Barney had little complains. Which was good because I wanted to watch the all-educational programme on TV. He was restless at first but after I assured him that I'll be back, he just laid there like a good d- uh.. lizard.


After learning the secrets of seducing women who are totally out of my league, I realize that I'm not good at seduction at all. If asked to rate my sexiness at a scale of 1 to 10, women would give 'C' as an answer. Ahaks~ So Back To Barney (i could make a show with that title). When I went to check on how he was doing, he gave a thumbs up - I really like his enthusiasm.

Normally I would just electrocute them to death or electrocute them, THEN burn them to death. Since Barney has a name, I thought I would do something special for him. I picture Barney chocking on something painful, like iodine or something like that. Since mom wouldn't let me use her medical stuff for my own research (she's just jealous that i'm special), I had to come up with an alternative. I remembered bro having a bottle of normal saline for his ol' contact lenses. Normal saline is actually, well, salt water but more hygienic. Yeah~ Basically that.

Opening Barney's mouth proved more difficult than I anticipated. The letter openner with a horse head didn't do the trick. I needed something more down to earth.

In a bright light appeared the cute, red little screwdriver. Problem solved.

Barney seeing that I was using the proper tool, open his mouth willingly.

Normal saline didn't really do the trick - sadly. I needed something with more "oomph!"

Mom told me, "why waste normal saline when you have real salt in the kitchen?". Now everyone can know why love my mom so much. She's such an angel.

I left Barney to finish off my night coffee. When I came back, to my dismay, he was still alive - begging me to give him an easy death. *ding* I decided to give him a honourable death, just like his predecessors.

Remember me? The Great Zippo Lighter Refill and the Clicking-Fire-Making thingy.

When I was pouring the Zippo refill on the coffin, Barney felt comfortable and thus, took the chance that now the tape has no effect due to the flammable liquid that it came in contact with, decided to break free - or so he thought.

BOOM!! Barney is on fire!! He's so hot, he burn his momma giving birth!

If you must know, my mom thinks that he smells burnt - I agreed with her. Duh~